Come to think of it, I really hate the pseudonym I gave him. Let's just call him...S.

(You know, 'cause that's his friggin' name and all.)

We weren't together for that long (2 1/2 months), but still..that's more than twice the length of any previous relationship. And it was more serious than any other relationship. Artiste and I only had one official date; the rest was just spent at school and that's not a true relationship.

It's been a phantasmagoric couple of days. Saturday, we invited a couple of friends over his place (not everyone CAME, of course, leaving us with a get-together of only 4). I got drunk, he got drunk, and I ended up staying over, although I was sober by the time we went to bed. And what was turning out to be a pretty decent night went sour when things got emotional.

To put things simply, I provoked him when he was drunk, which I knew I realllllly shouldn't do, but did any way 'cause I'm a fool like that.

And he went off the handle.

I wish there was a word for something that was both horrifying and funny at the time since he went on this whole spiel, spitting in my face from yelling so loudly and then farting at the end of it. Hm.

Things got better in the morning, we talked it out and I agreed to give him another chance, but with all the difficulties we've been having lately..I was just through with things.

I left for work at 8:30 in the morning (after about 3 hours of sleep, which I only got since I turned my back to him after the fight), giving him a kiss on the lips and then on the forehead. That was our last.

I didn't break up with him then since we had a recording to do in audio class on Monday and wanted that to be as peaceful as possible, but a few hours after I left, he texted me, saying he feel crushed about what had happened and that he wanted to tell me something.

The thing he wanted to tell me was basically that he wanted to give macrobiotics (my whole naturals foods life and diet) a try since that was one of things we were having issue with.

I should have been over the moon about that, but I guess I was so exhausted with everything that it didn't sound like I was that interested to him, although we agreed to give it a shot.

On Monday, after recording his friend's band, we talked and he just sort of..laid it out on me. Saying he knew it was done, that I didn't care for him any more, that I didn't know what love was at this stage of my life. I won't deny that I probably don't know what love is, but it wasn't true what he was saying - I definitely cared for him and loved him on some level. I tried not to say anything since I knew it would be easier for him to feel wronged and hurt than for me to argue, but I couldn't help it - I started crying.

He kept saying my name, but I just couldn't answer. Usually, I have to help a cry along, thinking of things like my dog dying to really bring out the tears, but not this time. Finally, he sat down beside me, put his arm over me, and asked why I was crying.

Because the reason behind my crying isn't simple - I love the boy to death, but the whole thing just wasn't working. We'd resolve problems, only to revisit them the next day. He always believes me on something one second, then thinks I'm insincere the next.

I stopped crying after a little while and we actually hung out for about an hour, acting like we used to before dating. I asked if we could to take a break until school's over since that had been something we were both kind of struggling with, due to the drama in our relationship, but it was all or nothing for him - we either stayed together or we broke up.

I delayed the answer until after we went out for Chinese, again, more like the friends we had been in a while and told him I thought we should break up afterward.

We both promised to each other that although it might be hard, we'd try to stay friends and that we would be there for each other. I made him promise he wouldn't doubt that I loved him again, and he did...but that doesn't seem to be the case after seeing him in class today.

I tried to get a hug from him before we parted, but..I guess it was too hard for him since he refused, saying some stupid crap like "friends don't hug" or at least, his friends don't.

Today in class, I could see he was trying to be civil, but he kept picking on me and I felt a sense of anger behind it. Also, he kept touching me, poking my back, trying to steal papers from me, even doing this weird form of spitting on my hand (which I promptly wiped on his face).

I guess we were acting so much like we were still together that Puggy texted me twice, saying "Nice break up" and "Just kiss and makeup."

But of course, something had to go wrong. I brought up this Grow-A-Frog thing he was going to get me, saying if he ever finds one, to get it for me and I'd pay him back since I still really wanted one. And he just had to make a comment that that's what I had probably been crying over the previous day. God, he knows how to fucking hurt me.

I cried on the drive back home from school and went straight to bed to cry some more. Again..I don't need to force it.

I don't know, maybe he needs to be hurtful and mean to get over this..but it's messing with my mind, no matter how much he thinks it doesn't bother me.

I wonder what's going to happen to us. We'll probably lose all contact after school, which is over in another two months. I won't force any sort of contact with respect to resurfacing feelings we once had, but fuck! This boy has been my closest friend since before we started dating..I'm gonna start crying again, just thinking about losing him completely. And I just hate how our relationship has changed. Sometimes I think I never should have dated him at all since I knew it couldn't work..but I don't regret it at all. It was worth the time we spent together, regardless of how we're going to be now.

But why..does it fucking have to be like this?