I saw on TV this woman who used to save all the hair she lost and then spin it into thread and make clothes with it. Maybe I could do that. Except I don't know how to spin thread. Or knit. And I think that's a wee bit creepy.

I thought about my dead dog a lot today. That dog was my best friend for nearly 10 years. And I can't help but feel guilty for hoping he'd just die towards the end. I was tired of dealing with him and his neediness. I was tired of having to change his bandages on the huge lump that develop on his leg.

I think about how mean I was to him as a child. I think about all the times I pushed him away from me because I didn't like the way smelled, or shedded on me, or just even being bothered when I was doing something.

I think about how the months leading up his death, he developed a sadness in his eyes. Like he was depressed about being old and sick, and no longer could run around like a puppy. He always had the energy of a puppy, he was like a middle aged man that still acted like a teenager, trying to reclaim his youth. Only with Genmai, the youth was genuine. He had never felt old or handicapped until the end.

I remember how funny he looked when we shaved his hair, his hair that always matted so bad you either had to shave it or brush him incessantly, which we never made the time for. I remember his beautiful brown eyes, eyes which I have never seen the likes of, deep and wide, with an outline of what could have been the most magnificent make-up job of kohl.

And his silky, silky ears and the sigh he'd give every time you'd massage them like he had reached heaven. While sometimes I didn't want to be bothered with him, I'd always rub his ears for him because it was the one thing I enjoyed doing and calmed him down.

Of course, at the end, when we took him to the vet to be put down, all came crashing down upon me and I regretted not treating that dog better. Spending more time with him, taking better care of him, everything. I tried so hard to stay strong and not him see me cry and make his last minutes here possibly painful, but I did and couldn't stop.

They tried to give him the injection without dulling him out, but Genmai fought, even in his weakened state. Ha, he always hated needles and shook any time we took him to the vet. So they managed to put him under, and he almost look comical, his big tongue lolling out of his mouth and his eyes fighting to stay open.

It took longer than I thought it would. Then, his whole body stiffened, he gave a tremendous sigh and was gone. They left me alone with him for a while and I kept thinking I saw him breath. Saw some life still in him. Couldn't believe he was dead.

The thing I feel the worst about it is I never thought about that dog as much as I did any boy I liked. Even when he died. I will never think about Genmai as many times in a day as I do S. As I thought of Ant, Artiste, Beatnik, any of them.

Sometimes I really hate myself for being the person I am.