The funny thing about breaking up for me is just thinking of all the stuff that might have been and will never be now. We will never live together. We will never go to Pittsburg, like we had talked about, so long ago. I'll never celebrate another birthday with him. We'll never kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day again. We'll never wake up to each other and say "good morning." I'll never kiss him goodbye as I leave for work or he leaves for school. We'll never move to Aruba (who knows if we ever would have?). We'll never do so many things. Because we are no longer "we".

But other funny thing is that it doesn't matter if it's him in all those things. His face is never in those fantasies. It's just a whole bunch of experiences I've been wanting to happen.

It's hard being alone. It is so damn hard. And few people are single by choice. That's the worst - when you want to be with someone and there's just no one around that wants you like you want them.

Like a man I met up in Alaska breathed in my ear while snuggled up beside me, "It's always nice to be wanted."

I knew this relationship wouldn't work. I knew we didn't understand each other, I knew we didn't have the same goals in life..hell, I probably even knew I'd just end up hurting him more by getting back together once again.

But that doesn't mean I didn't want to try.

So, what happened?

I started to realize, while up in Alaska, what I really wanted out of life. And S didn't fit into it. I started to see him for what he truly was, not who I wanted him to be. And I realized..that a big part of being with him, if not all, was because I didn't want to be alone.

In some senses, he's right, I'm a horrible person. I led him on and hurt him. I'm sorry. I wish I could rewind back to December of last year, knowing what I know now, and stop myself before I started this.

That wouldn't help either of us though, would it? It takes two to tango and he was a willing participant in this relationship, he can play the victim card as much as he wants, but that doesn't change anything. I think he wanted me to be something I'm not also.

I can only hope..that one day he'll forgive me. And that one day he'll be happy. And that one day, I'll be happy.

And one day, we'll be happy together..apart.